Fear and Honesty

Recently, a friend of mine over at Tara Cronica, wrote a post about Honesty. Tracy (Westerholm) has always inspired me with her honest, tell it like it is writing style, but after reading this particular post, I was left with a feeling  that there was a little blog karma going on between our two sites.

Fear and honesty go hand in hand, especially as it relates to fearing the consequences of our honesty. Fearing the unknown. Fearing change. Fearing being honest about what your heart is telling you must be done, and what you may stand to lose as a result of that honesty.

I have always been someone who has worried too much about what others thought of me. Always trying to please everyone, but tending not to listen to who I was, or at least who my inner-self wanted to be.

It probably wasn’t until around my mid-twenties, when I started to find myself; when I truly began to stop worrying about what others thought. Yet even today, a couple of weeks shy of my 37th birthday (also my birth year reversed), I have to admit that I still have a long way to go to being that true self.

Everyday, that self comes closer to the surface, as courage and an inner-voice screaming to be set free, break the walls that are now some 25 years in the making, and 12 years in the breaking.

I worried, as I always have, when I hit the publish button to publish my post Finding My Religion (The ‘G’ Word), that I might offend or upset some people dear to me who have strong belief systems; whether it be God or otherwise.

Two friends from BC, were amongst those I worried I might offend. There were more, but I had just finished having religion related conversations with one and the other w,ho follows my work religiously, inspires me to continue my writing journey with their genuine and heartfelt words of encouragement. This persons daily messages inspire me, and I know from their profile, that they have a very strong faith system.

I worried that I might put those friendships that had been cyberspacially (no, it’s not a word) developed over the past six or so months, at risk.

Then I reminded myself, that 2010 was to be a year where I wrote about everything that was on my mind. To get it all out on my path to finding my creative and inner-self, so I posted the story and waited.

And I waited.

And then, that message came and once again, I was inspired. Inspired more than I had ever been. Touched. Teary-eyed. Thankful, grateful, and assured that my honesty and open-heart, were being warmly received.

I know a true friend would not judge a person from one post, but one of those same BC friends had also recently said when referring about his own job, how one word can make all the difference. How one word, could significantly change a message. So, I spoke from my heart, yet I tried to choose my words wisely. But in the end, I let the voice inside of me take the podium.

~

I would say my fears go back as far as at least Middle School?

Fear in hockey stopping me from being the better player that I knew I could be. Fear of being school president. Putting together a strong social and visual campaign and having many people say to me that they knew I was going to win, yet being disqualified for forgetting to hand in a signed permission form from my parents. Not that I have ever had a good memory, but I wonder now if I forgot accidentally on purpose; subconsciously or otherwise. Did I sabotage my own presidential campaign?

Now I wasn’t vying to run the country or anything, so what was I afraid of?

Success.

Julia Cameron talks about this in her book, The Complete Artist Way. One of the assignments for the first 12 week course, is to keep a daily journal or Morning Pages as she calls them.

The purpose of the Morning Pages, is to help us realize where our fears and disbelief’s surrounding finding success in our creative aspirations, comes from. They are about becoming unblocked, and basically learning to believe in ourselves. We are encouraged to write about anything and everything that comes to mind, however trivial or silly those thoughts may be. Every thought is relevant to breaking the negative thought patterns that are stopping us from realizing our dreams.

I could almost trace my fears (and fear of change), back to grade 1, when I wrapped myself around the fence in our front yard, crying because I didn’t want to go to school that day. As it turned out, it was the last day of school and I didn’t want to pass to the next grade because I loved my teacher so much. My mother reassured me that I would still see my teacher in the halls everyday and that she also lived across the street from my best friend, so I released my grip, stopped crying, went to school, and gave my teacher a great big hug to show her how much she meant to me. You could also say she was the first teacher of so many throughout my studies, that have inspired me.

Out of high school, I was accepted to two out-of-town colleges. Mohawk College in Brantford Ontario for Advertising, and Conestoga College in Kitchener Ontario for Graphic Design. I declined both acceptance letters, probably out of fear of moving from the only city I had, and still do, called home, or even fear of possible failure or that I simply wasn’t good enough.

Instead, I joined the working world and it wasn’t until my mid-twenties, that I risked failure and pushed aside fear, to give me dreams of becoming an animator a shof

I enrolled in a year long arts program at Sheridan College in Oakville Ontario to prepare me for my Classical Animation studies. I worked very hard and did very well in all my classes that year, and was accepted into the Animation program. My dreams were coming true.

Only three months into the program, I quit the best animation program in the world out of fear that most jobs were in California, and because I didn’t think I could move that far away. I later visited a friend who was living that dream at Dreamworks in Glendale California. I spent 9 days with him, and when he was working, I explored within an hour radius of Hollywood where he lived. I left California with a sense that I could have done it, and dreaming of what a grand adventure it would have been.

Dreams of returning to California haunted me for a long time. Every once in awhile, I still have vision of that magical land.

Dreams of what could have been.

Fear.

Dreams.

Fear.

My Mentor's Dream

Even today, that fear still exists, but as I break down those barriers, as I chase away fear, I am slowly realizing my dreams and becoming a much more happier me. I am answering the call from deep within that has been longing for so much more, and I am being rewarded for my bravery with messages of encouragement from those that believe in me; even on days where I find it hard to believe in myself. And believe me, they are still all too common for my liking.

When I think of what fear has taken from me, or better  yet, how I have let fear take things from me, I wonder what roads my life life might have traveled had I not given in to fear, or had I more confidence in myself?

Don’t get me wrong. I have no regrets. I truly believe that everything in life happens for a reason. To have regrets would be to erase the biggest part of me. My two beautiful girls. I have just decided that my life lessons can no longer come from fear. They must come from trying.

~

Going back to honesty, after reading my friends post, I realized it was time for me to be honest with myself; to stop fearing  honesty.

I started by asking our waitress the other night, if the mushrooms on our mushroom bruschetta were supposed to be cold. I wasn’t trying to be a smart alec or anything, but I needed to be honest. As it turns out, yes, they were supposed to be cold. Had I not asked the question, I might have always wondered if I had just been served a cold appetizer that was supposed to be warm.

To be really honest, I liked it better the next day – toasted in the oven.

That question didn’t change the world, but it felt good to be honest about how I felt.

Baby steps.

~

Creative Affirmations

Oh, and remember how I mentioned that Julia Cameron talked about replacing the word God with whatever worked with your belief system? Well, I took that statement quite literally.

I have crossed out the G word as I work my way through the early pages of this book, and I have replaced them, and various other quotes, phrases, and statements, with words that better relate to how I feel -  what works to inspire me.

I truly felt it was important that I do this, because many of these pages we are asked to go and read over and over again, to inspire us and help us become unblocked artists.

Well, the other day at work, a co-worker (whom I have great respect for her as a person, mother, and a co-worker), who is a very devoted Catholic, with pictures of God and Mary in her cubicle and rosary beads around her rear view mirror, asked about my The Complete Artists Way book sitting on my desk. I guess it does look a bit like a bible, and so she suddenly began to flip through it out of curiosity.

I froze in horror.

She looked betrayed as she noticed words so dear to her, crossed out like you would an old flame on a the cover of a school notebook, so I immediately started to tell her why I had done such a thing. I was honest.

I am not sure it soothed her mind, but for the first time, I was really beginning to be me. I meant no disrespect to her, to Julia, or to any one else of any particular faith. I hadn’t expected anyone would open it to see my customizations.

I did it simply because that is what worked for me, and as soon as I started to deface this beautiful and inspiring book, I knew I had to make sure I was ready to back up my reasons for doing such a thing.

Honestly, it felt really good to be me.