- Drawing by Lawrence Thomas
DRAFT
How often do we tell ourselves that we will never find that same kind of love again? It is true in a way because every relationship is different, but somewhere inside we know that we will find happiness again. We always do. It’s never easy moving on but when we find ourselves lost in early romance once more, we are reminded of how each new love is more special than the last, because of what we have learned about life and especially ourselves, as we search these sometimes lonely roads for that eternal flame.
Our early twenties, is a time when I believe we learn most about ourselves. Some of us head right into college or university, and some jump straight into the workforce. Either way, we are boundless for the first time in our young lives.
I was no different than many a young man in his early twenties. I worked full-time and at one point, held three jobs at once. I was going out to the bars, driving sports cars, and enjoying time with friends.
My high school shyness carried into my early twenties, so I didn’t date much. There were casual engagements here and there, but there was only one woman that I dated long enough to call my girlfriend. High school for me, had been more or less the same.
I was 22 when I met Elaine. Even though it had been my decision to end things between us, when that relationship ended I found myself lost in transition. I had never been good at dating and meeting woman in the first place, so take me out of the scene for three years and I had no idea what to expect anymore.
In a way, I don’t know that I really tried to meet anyone after Elaine and I went our separate ways. I believe deep down inside, I was afraid to move on. I was afraid of hurting someone as I had never seen someone break down the way Elaine did, the night we broke up. Never had I known a woman to love me in that capacity before and I couldn’t bear the thought of breaking someone’s heart again. I did know however, that the once hopeless romantic in me, longed to find love again.
The wonderful thing about life though, is that when we don’t have the courage to reach for what our heart desires, sometimes that with what we are searching for, finds us.
~
It was November 30th, 1996. The day our eyes met for the first time.
My life had taken a path that I was finding a hard time walking, and my tired soul had needed the mending only the heart of a woman could heal. I had separated with a woman who’s dreams I had shared for 3 years, my college aspirations had abruptly ended, and a cousin who I had only recently grown close with, had died at a young age from cancer.
My friend was celebrating his birthday, and we had stopped off for a quick drink at one of our usual hangouts before we headed to where we were to celebrate his day.
I had wondered off from where my friends were standing to get myself a drink, when suddenly I noticed the most beautiful woman from across the room. I turned toward the bar, ordered my drink, and wished that the woman would come over to me; knowing full well, that I would never gather up the courage to approach her.
As I stood awaiting my drink, I felt a tap on the shoulder. I turned around, to find a girl standing there. This person stood in for the voice of her birthday friend; that same woman from across the room.
It had been a long time since I’d walked up to a woman, but I nervously made my way over to her like a boy at an elementary school dance. I dared cross the imaginary line between the boys that stood shy on the one wall, and the girls on the other that longed for nothing more, than for a boy to approach them, and say how pretty they looked tonight. In deed, this girl took my breath away.
She looked at me and smiled. Her eyes immediately captured mine. I hardly noticed her friends sitting there for this woman’s deep, calming browns would not allow my focus to stray.
Her name was Jessica and from the start, she was upfront in telling me about the man in her life; her 2 year old son. She showed me a picture of him, and we talked for what seemed hours, before I made my way back to my friends
My friends finally expressed their desire to head out, so I asked Jessica for her phone number, shared one last captivating smile, and my friends and I were on our way.
We left the bar and headed to where my friend wanted to spend the evening, but my mind had wondered off. All I could think of was Jessica, playing back the conversation we had just shared in my mind. Dreaming of the way her eyes glistened in the dim light, the sound of her gentle voice in my ear, and the sweet smell of her perfume.
As if my friends had read my mind, after a short while we all decided to head back to where we started the night.
I slowly walked around when we returned, looking to see if she was still there. In my hand, I held a single rose. After only a few minutes of searching, I seen her dancing with her friends. I walked up to her, and as she noticed me, her eyes lit up as I lifted the yellow petals towards her. The flower had been my quiet way of saying, how I wanted to get to know her beautiful smile.
We danced, laughed, and exchanged smiles the rest of the night. As the evening came to an end and the slow songs started to play, I put my arms around her, she did the same, and we remained that way until the final slow song ended.
I was already entranced by her smile, and now I was week in the knees for the way she felt in my arms as we danced, from the wonderful smell of her perfume to my curious nose, to her soft cheek rested against mine. I didn’t want to let her go.
That night ended with a kiss. Not unlike the ones at the end of those middle school dances. Lying awake that night as if actually in grade 8 again, staring at the shadows cast on my bedroom ceiling by the bright winter moon. I envisioned the draw of her eyes and the sweetness of her smile, the soft sound of her voice in my ear and the allure of her perfume that still remained on my shirt.
Looking back now, perhaps meeting Jessica was supposed to be nothing more than a reminder of the simple beauties of falling in love. A reflection of the times where sex wasn’t even on your mind, and fooling around was catching one another’s hand in the popcorn, or getting up the courage to put your arm around her, before the movie came to an end.
This is what I felt on our first date. It was all I could do not to take every opportunity, without scaring her away, to steel a glance at her sitting beside me. She had such an innocence about her that I thought was reserved only for the girls I knew when I was 13. The look she had about her was one I had not seen in a very long time, and the inner-child her face dawned, made her even more beautiful; If that was at all possible.
Later that evening, the two of us and the couple we shared the night with, stopped for a coffee. It was then that she started to, although slightly hesitant, tell me about her time spent in he hospital. She had suffered from depression and although I really didn’t understand her illness at the time, I knew that the person she was deep within her heart, was far stronger than the disease she still fought.
I found myself falling for her. Each word she went further into her past, I fell one word deeper for her. I fell for her honesty. She had no secrets; nothing to hide. At times she seemed like she was almost trying to scare me away, and surprised when I remained with my ears open wide, and my eyes lost in hers. I held onto every word she spoke, and understood her for who she was, and not the disease that had caught her weak.
After that night, I began to study her form of depression. I searched the internet for materials about her illness, so I could gain as much of an understanding as possible, of the thing that had become a part of her. The truth was, that in reading over 100 pages of reference material, I seen a part of myself and everyone else I knew in the words of those pages. We all show signs of at some point or another throughout our lives, of some form of depression . My friend had simply reached a breaking point, that made it necessary for her to receive treatment.
Her husband had left her while she was in the hospital, and he was living with another woman before she was even to return home. She was left alone to raise a son, and also had to learn how to deal with her depression alone. Her marriage was over, and she had to tell her son why his daddy no longer lived with them. I am not sure any of us, wouldn’t step beyond the normal depression of our every day lives, and not require some sort of medical guidance.
She kept a diary of her time spent in the hospital, and she shared some of it with me. Those moments seemed to bring forth a writer, and the words she read to me were not of someone who was ill. The illness had taught her how to see life and the world around her in a different light. It allowed her to express her feelings and speak of the fears and dreams so many of us keep to the confines of our secret minds.
Then one evening, she brought out a video. Not your normal night of popcorn and Bridges Of Madison County, but a night that she would share a very special moment in a woman’s life; her wedding. Once again amazed at what she was sharing with me, I watched on as she described her very special day.
She looked so beautiful in her wedding dress, and it didn’t even seem strange to me that we were watching this. If anything, this is when I think I started to fall in love with her; if that makes any sense.
I watched her nervously walking down the aisle, her hands shaking as she took his hand into hers. The love in their kiss as they became man and wife. I couldn’t understand how two people could share something so beautiful, and yet one person throw it all away. I could see her pain as we sat side by side watching something a girl waits all her life to live. She needed a man, she needed him, but I was there. I felt as though she was trusting me with her heart, and trusting my arms to give her the kind of love she needed at that moment.
Christmas was coming, the snow was spreading its magic, and the streets were a glow with the lights of houses filled with little children making last minute Christmas wishes. I too had changed my list and the only thing I wanted, was to see Jessica and her little boy on Christmas day. To feel the magic of her kiss, and to see the innocence of her little man’s smile as he played with all his new found toys.
We spent countless nights after I got off of work, drinking coffee, watching country music videos, and talking until the early morning hours. The snow gently falling, covering the streets below her balcony window. Her curious little boy sneaking out to see what his mummy and this strange man were doing. We’d play and his mom would try to be strong in getting him to bed, laughing inside all the while knowing full well, what her curious, yet protective boy was up to.
She and I stole many a passionate kiss on her living room couch, blinking Christmas tree lights and festive country music playing in the background. Her eyes and her smile in the foreground, and her soft hands in mine as she shared more and more of herself with me. She continued to amaze me with how she opened up her heart, and I loved her for trusting me so deeply.
That holiday season wrote itself to be the most magical month I had known up to that point in my young life. One winter night, I even gathered the courage to ask her if she was ready to be in a relationship again, and I nervously asked her to be my girlfriend. Without a thought, Jessica said Yes. I think maybe now, that it could have been because she didn’t want to loose my friendship, or because she really needed my loving arms at this moment in her life and saying she wasn’t ready, might have scared me away.
Maybe it would have. Maybe I would have thought she wasn’t interested, but the truth is, it made me feel good. Whatever the reasons, it was exactly what I needed right then as well.
As the Christmas countdown was coming to a close, I finally found something I could give to her that would show her how much she meant to me. It couldn’t be much for we had just met, and I didn’t want to come on too strong.
It was a piece I had done as a college project, and one that I had immediately fell in love with. It was a drawing of a mother holding her young child. There was nothing more beautiful than a woman interacting with her baby, and this work best described what I seen when I watched on as Jessica interacted with her son. How beautiful she looked when she held him, tucked him in tight, and kissed him goodnight.
The New Year was fast approaching. Little did I know the magic I was going to feel, when the 24th chapter of my life began.
That year I had graduated college, lived the dream of studying Animation at the top school in the world, lost a cousin, a long time love, and then gave up on my dream of working for the company my childhood mentor had built. I couldn’t have asked for a more romantic ending to a year filled with so much heartbreak.
Jessica had asked me to spend New Years with her and her friends, and of course there was nowhere else I wanted to be. I brought some movies over for her son to watch with the baby sitter while we were gone, and we left as the answers to each others question, What are you doing, New Years?
That New Years would be one I’d remember always.
Jessica looked on as I interacted with her friends, and I too watched her with them,and seen how important it was, that my intentions with her were genuine.
We talked and laughed as she sat on my knee. She seemed very relaxed with me that night, and it felt good to have her so close. I wondered if she could feel my heart gently tapping against her back – racing. Then I realized that perhaps, that was why she stayed. For the warmth of my heart.
For those moments the clock stopped, and I wished for that night to last forever.
Midnight was upon us, and I wasn’t sure if I should be excited that I could steel a kiss from Jessica, or sad that the time was suddenly starting to show it’s hands. We danced into the closing minutes of the year that seen excitement, shattered dreams, heartache and now magic. Each closing second drew a question as to how far into the coming year, her eyes would appear on the pages of my hearts novel. How long would our names share the lines in the book that told of souls that touched my heart, as I journeyed this life.
Our eyes caught each other for a split second; mine closed, and I felt her lips touch mine. Then suddenly they left as if still not sure about public displays of affection. I felt hurt at first, not knowing if I had somehow read wrong into the energy I felt from her that evening. Later on however, she sat next to me on the couch. Without being obvious, Jessica admitted to her friends that she felt safe in my arms with a trusting closeness she wordlessly expressed towards me the remainder of the night.
She was happy; laughing. From the expressions in her friend’s eyes, it seemed a cheerfulness they had not seen in her smile in a very long time. They noticed a genuine look in my eyes as well, as I watched her; the way I held her hand. They were inadvertently watching me, I noticed it every once in awhile, but they made me feel comfortable, relaxed, welcome, and allowed me to be myself with Jessica that night. I had earned the respect of the people she needed so much to protect her from the pain that this past year had known. They liked me, they trusted me, and in turn she was now showing me that she cared, as she had wanted to with that midnight kiss.
We arrived at the front of her apartment building at about three in the morning. I slowly leaned over and kissed her, and not wanting to be too forward, I quickly backed off, smiled, and looked into her eyes. Then to my surprise, Jessica leaned in towards me as my heart started to race nervously, and kissed me more passionately than she had ever kissed me before.
We kissed for hours. Her lips held a passion that seemed only public school kisses had once expressed. I began to think that growing up meant that we couldn’t feel as childish falling in love again, as we did in those days of our youth. She was slowly helping me realize, how important it was to never live without the feelings that you once allowed yourself to enjoy. To never let growing up, mean feeling old.
Jessica taught me more through the romance that our lips danced, than the pages of school textbooks ever could. By always listening with my heart, this was one of the many lessons I had learned from those that had shared my loves journal.
It seemed the world outside my car doors had stopped, while we enjoyed every second of this time together.
We continued to take turns releasing our locked lips, to allow our eyes the pleasure of feeling the power of those magical moments. I found peace in her presence, and I truly felt that’s what she found staring into my soul as well.
Those intimate early morning hours were timeless. It wasn’t sex or fooling around for that matter, but simply a gentle yet passionate kiss, and a strong embrace. I could feel her heart racing, and without a doubt, she mine. Her eyes would not allow me to look away, and the deeper I ventured into them, the faster my heart beat. Her lips were so soft, and her face so smooth to my finger tips that gently swept it.
I couldn’t hold her close enough or kiss her enough. Hours had passed and few words had been spoken. She had long since made up for the nervous moments we had shared at midnight, as if now trying to express how close she wanted to be to me when the clock brought in the new year.
It was finally time for us to head up to her apartment. She was schedule to work within the hour, and she still had to change and check in on the sitter before heading back out.
When her son woke, I sat at the kitchen table and laughed with him over a bowl of corn pops while Jessica got ready for work. She looked over every once in awhile and smiled, and all I could think to myself was how this had been the perfect way to end our night together.
I drove her to work that morning, and we shared one last quick kiss. I don’t remember us ever being nearly as close as we were that night again.
Jessica made me see how much more special a relationship can be, that is not based on what so many relationships are. Her kiss and the feelings her eyes expressed, the way she smiled, held more passion than I had known for a very long time.
She began to push me away shortly after that night for reasons I would never know. I had somehow lost her.
Maybe she still had hopes of her family getting back together, which is what I wanted to see in a way. I cared for her deeply, but from the moments shared watching her wedding videos, I could tell how much her marriage had meant to her.
Whatever the case was, our time together was very special. Jessica represents a treasured part of my past. A time so short and time not enough to truly known one another, yet a full understanding of what each other had needed.
Her eyes told me she needed a man. One that could comfort her, hold her, listen to her, and tell her what she desperately needed to hear, but not a man. She needed a friend, but gave him a woman. As much a woman as she could allow, but not as much as she thought he possibly wanted.
I am thankful for the moments that Jessica and I shared. Being someone to love and hold at a time when I needed that almost as much as I needed breath, makes this brief period of my past, moments that I will always cherish.
